(# 2)

I suspect that Robin William is Sasquatch.

The rest is just marketing.

Logistics.

So, tonight while I was hanging out with some people from work, I saw a naked guy riding a bike.

Yes, it was quite hilarious. Quite so, I do declare!
But, okay, I see a naked guy on a bike, and I start to think about the logistics of riding a bike naked. I mean, who doesn't, really? (Sure, I'm a fucking weirdo. That's been established already, so let's move on.)

Think about it.
Okay, you can't wear any safety gear, because then, you wouldn't be naked. So no helmet, knee pads, etc.
But... okay, the only time you are ever going to ride a bike naked (I mean, COME ON) is if you are drunk, stoned or... well, crazy. None of these cases are really the best time to be doing something that requires physical coordination-- I've seen plently of drunk people that were hard-pressed to stand without falling over.
So, you are in a state in which you are more likely to fall, going faster than you would normally walk, but you're naked. So no protection if you do lose your balance. He could very easily get skinned over like 80% of his body... and that's not going to feel too fantastic.

Also, now this is purely conjuncture, as I don't have a penis or balls, but... wouldn't your little friends get smashed on the bike seat? I mean, remember a few years ago when they were talking about how the "banana" bike seats caused infertility in a ton of men? Now, imagine if you were naked, with no padding between your balls, your body, and your bike seat. I'm not picturing sexual-reproductive-organ comfort. But maybe that's just me, as I said, no personal experience on riding a bike while having a penis.

I do know it wouldn't be the most comfortable thing for a woman... I mean, speaking purely in terms of the land down under. Yowch.

I just remembered something! I have a... let's say friend *cough cough* relative *cough cough* who was raised Catholic (I use this as an explanation. People who were raised Catholic tend to be the craziest when adult, in my experience), who was riding a bike naked, while drunk. I didn't get the backstory on why, cause she was drunk as a skunk while telling me this. She ran into a barbed wire fence. And she had some huge ass scars to show for it (huge ass meaning very large, not scars on her ass... just trying to keep it clear, folks). Hmmm.

I'm assuming she wasn't doing laps around a hotel next to a Denny's though, so hopefully she wasn't seen by a bunch of people.

But I think this proves my point: riding a bike naked is probably not the best idea.
Next time it comes up (and you KNOW it will), try and keep that in mind. A safe biker is a clothed biker.

Klassy.

I have CNN on, and I just saw President Bush... chewing with his mouth open. And talking with his mouth full.
Wow.
He was also, you know, "using expletives while talking about the middle east", which sucks and all... but did his mama not teach him any better?
To make this even better, he was talking with Tony Blair. The prime minister of England. With his mouth full.

I dunno. I just can't believe that the man who represents the United States to most of the world is someone who CHEWS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN. I mean, come on... how old is this man? He's Yale educated? Really?

Tomorrow will be better, cause today will be over.

1. Fall asleep one hour before alarm goes off-- not because of exciting nightlife, but because of insomnia.

2. In half awake daze, turn off alarm clock and then lay back down (with the contact case in hand, mind). MORON.

3. Wake up fifty minutes later, ten minutes before am supposed to leave for work; shove cat off shoulder; rush around, making it to work a mere eight minutes late.

4. Door next to register broken, stuck open.

Wait, never mind. Door fine... but cordless scanner won't connect right with the charging port, leaving it to beep every second (literally) until it has been minutely adjusted 300 thousand times, or until you throw it across the room-- whichever comes first.

5. Temperatures in the upper nineties and 75% humidity? Welcome to St. Louis in the summer!

6. Customer bitching. Repeat at regular intervals.

7. Yes, everyone-- please, come to [Home Improvement Warehouse] today. Also, expect lots of personal attention from the people in the department, and piss and moan if you have to wait five minutes because there are also twenty other people in the department expecting that same personal attention.

8. Why are there no damn carts, Mrs. Old Lady? Because people like you keep coming in and taking them.

9. Yes, he's coming, but he's busy, so it will be a few minutes. See all these other people? DO YOU SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE? He's helping the ones who have already checked out and requested assistance first. I understand this is a difficult concept to grasp, but just give it a try.

Yes, now you should watch him lift all 30 sheets of plywood you just purchased, by himself, and place them in your eighteen wheeler (why did you bring an eighteen wheeler, again?). But, thanks for telling him you can't help, with no explanation about WHY. Oh, wait-- I know... you're lazy! Der!

11. Hiii, Mr. Asshole Manager. Yes, these customers did just ask where the 2x3's are. Um, YES, we do carry them. I see them all the time, I just don't know where they are in the store, because of the remodel.
I AM trying to locate them in the computer, but they aren't listed under 2x3, so I have to check out a few more categories.
What? Oh, yes, if I can't locate them in the computer system in under 3 seconds, we obviously don't carry them and you are right. How could I possibly be that stupid? Thanks for being condescending and insulting in one fell swoop.
Oh! Here they are! AND LOOK: we have 649 of them IN STOCK right now.
Although I am not supposed to leave this area, I'm going to go ahead and walk the customer to the item while you are standing there with your thumb up your self-important butt.
And what do you know? There they are, right next to the treated 2x4s and in your direct line of sight. Hmmm... maybe if you took 30 seconds to learn where things are located, or even attempted to help a customer instead of blindly informing them that we don't carry the item they need, you would be more than an egotistical numb nuts.
Then again, maybe not.

12. Hey there, super creepy guy in tools.
Yep, I'm having a bad day.
No, I REALLY REALLY don't want to "cuddle" with you.
Incidentally, if a girl has a 1 minute conversation with you about having a shitty day at work, that doesn't mean she wants to fuck you. It also doesn't mean she wants to "cuddle with you after work".
However, trying to get out of this awkward and extremely squicky conversation with you has just made her day that much worse. Thanks.
Please go away.

But you know what? Tomorrow will be better, because I will never have to live through today again. It is this sole thought that enables me to go back to hell tomorrow.