Infomercial mania!

I’m sure we’ve all seen something on the internet that relates to television. Such as this analysis of a news story, or maybe THIS ENTIRE SITE.
Well, guess what? That still isn’t enough for me. The other night, I suddenly realized it was like six am, and I had to get up early the next day.
For once, I had my tv on (I don’t really watch very much tv, because I prefer to waste my time on the internet). I decided to do one last channel surf before I went to bed. Suddenly, I saw an incredibly creepy-looking man.
What, you think I’m exaggerating?
Look.



Okay, so it’s a creepy guy on an infomercial. No big deal—that’s standard fare.
Hmm, but what is he comparing to ‘a vacuum cleaner bag that’s never been changed’?
YOUR ASS.
Okay, your intestines. Your colon. Your doo-doo sack, or whatever affectionate nick-name you have for the magical path that food takes from your mouth to the toilet.
But, hey, infomercial writers aren’t complete fools. They know that having some EXTREMELY CREEPY guy (with some bullshit credentials that I didn’t catch) talking about your colon is not going to make you buy some nice “Dual Action Cleanse”.
Here’s some more people to make you feel better.


And as you can see, he is VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT your asshole. He’d like to poke a little something in there to make sure everything is going alright, ifyougetwhatI’msayin’.
I really didn’t even need that entendre, there… people who are passionate about COLONS are creepy as well. Further, they were willing to sit in the same room as this guy



WHILE he was talking about laxatives and liquefied stools. W O W.

In case you weren’t convinced that Dual Action Cleanse would make your world better and your colon cleaner, here’s a call-in!
(Yeah, the world at large will believe that some guy is going to call-in when this infomercial was recorded to talk about his shit.)


He looks like he's waiting to eat Gary's soul, doesn't he?

Anyway, you heard right.
Gary is 45, has several children, and works out regularly!
But[t]… guess what?



Gary still doesn’t feel perfect. He’s tired and lethargic. I bet it’s because he isn’t using Dual Action Cleanse!
How will incredibly creepy guy prove this point?
He asks “Gary” how large his children’s shits are.

I could not make this up if I tried.

Gary’s children have bigger shits than Gary.
Yes, their shits are larger AND thicker than Gary’s. Gary’s shit lacks girth AND length.
Sometimes, Gary feels insecure about the size of his shits, and really, who could blame him?

Poor Gary. It’s a good thing that he found out about Dual Action Cleanse now, before his toilet left him… for his children.

At this juncture, I would just like to remind you that these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.




Oh, and you have several pounds of shit in your colon. You dirty fucker!

Okay, guess there is time for one more…



YOU HAVE CAKED-ON GUNK UP YOUR ASS!

Ah! Felt good to let all that out, if you know what I mean.

I know there are several shots that have a website listed… I checked it out, and it’s nothing special. The infomercial isn’t available either, which made me sad. There is a parting pop-up, though, so I won’t be linking to those fuckers.

Pleasant dreams!

Er... save the internet?

Hey, you know I'm all for freedom of speech and shit, but the term "Save the internet" is just too hyperbolic for my taste. Still... you totally should go here and sign this petition.
For a brief and amusing tutorial on net neutrality, here is a ninja:


Now, if that doesn't make a compelling case for net neutrality, I ask you: What does?
Video courtesy of AskaNinja.com.

Is this a normal question?

I’m going to avoid the conjuncture here and just ask if you’ve ever been asked this before.
I was walking towards Benton Hall at about 3:30 pm. This is two hours early for my P. Chem class because I have homework due today and also a lab I need to work on, but I digress. As I’m walking along, I see a guy I know, and we do our characteristic greetings and continue on our opposite ways.
Another guy, who I do NOT know (and don’t think I’ve ever seen before), says, “Excuse me,” from behind me (I passed him a few feet ago).
I turn around thinking he’s going to ask me where such-and-such building is, although if you’re asking this late in the semester, you’ve probably already failed…
Instead he says,

“No offense intended, but would you like to have sex?”



To which I reply, “No, thanks.” (er... always be polite?)
Then I turned back around, and walked away.

Look at the subject again.
Is it?